overwhelmed....

While the holidays have come and gone (for the most part) the overwhelming feeling that is associated with them has not followed suit. Unfortunately I feel as if I am buried up to my neck. That doesn't mean I don't welcome it. You see, on the 16th we added a baby girl to our family. We will call her nails as her brother has the moniker of hammer. We have also had ridiculous amounts of snow and horribly cold weather that have left us no place to go (for the most part) but the four walls of our home. This can make things aggravating, tense, cozy, and funny at times. It is hard because everyone is tired here and Mrs Hammer and I are both a bit edgy. This is all to be expected. All this has delayed my writing as I pondered what was really readable and what I was really feeling. As for the holidays it was great watching hammer open gifts, even funnier watching him play with his toys, and sweet being home with wife, hammer and nails to really be able to celebrate our family. The stresses come with travel from place to place, my schedule not always allowing me to be home on the holidays themselves, my mother who doesn't express her feelings all that well(yeah, its hereditary.) The most difficult part of the holidays I found this year, is not letting the stresses outweigh the happiness. Nothing will ever be able to do that, and I know this!!! So why the hell is it so hard for me to put that into practice? Why do I let myself and mood be altered by things outside my control? Why do I think that people see my gifts as inferior if they don't cost a certain amount? I think partly because I am crazy!! No offense to those that think that is an insult...if you think it is an insult it is because you are really really fucking crazy....anyways..I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, and consider myself a holiday survivor and also wanted to let you know that, while exhausting, the holidays this year were my best ever. I couldn't have been luckier, or more humbled with all the love and support that I have received from family and friends...most importantly...from my wife...now I know that she thinks sometimes I write here for my audience...I can honestly say that these words to follow are the first time I have written here for someone. To my wife...you have strength, tenderness and love that I cannot measure. You inspire me with your determination!!! You make me melt every time I lay eyes on you (now more than ever!!)..you stand by me when I screw up....you pick me up and won't let me quit...you are a mother to be modeled after!!! You inspire me!!! These gifts I know that I can't pay back....The only gift I truly have that is mine to offer is my heart!!! I love you...

what is now has already been....

First things first, this may get a bit heavy and you may not want to read. I do, however, believe that you will be satisfied if you come along on my journey of reflection these last few days. Thankfully, I get to see Cris Angel this week!!! There will be some "God squad" portions to this, but by no means do I intend to preach. The title is taken from Ecclesiastes. Why don't we jump into the old Delorian and join Michael J. Fox in a trip back in time to this past Thursday. Thanksgiving!!! Woo hoo and what a day it was. We spent it with the in laws and had a fabulous feast. It was quite the family gathering sans drama. Perfect for my taste!! Mrs. Hammer's grandmother has been ill for a while now and was in grave condition coming into the holiday. Later that Thursday evening Mary Jane found it best to spend the rest of her eternal life with the angels she once walked with. Some we knew and others she was only privy to. We learned of her passing the following morning while grocery shopping. Yeah, so what, we went to the store the day after Thanksgiving!!! Don't you people know that there is nobody at the grocery store on that day, because the are all busy trying to trample people at walmart...sorry for getting off the subject. We came home and Mrs. Hammer talked to her mom, and had a moment herself. While this is something we knew was for the best, the finality of it is still quite difficult.
That same Friday afternoon was a full page spread in the newspaper about a 50 year anniversary of the Our Lady of the Angels fire. Having read a book on the matter and also being in fire service it is something that I have always had an inkling for. In the article was mention of a memorial mass on the upcoming Sunday. I thought it would be the appropriate event for me to attend. It would be a long day, as Grandma Cuckoo's wake was that day as well. The day would somehow seem much shorter when it was all over.
I walked into the doors of the church. After finding street parking due to the large attendance. After taking in the large amounts of people (I don't do to well in crowds.) I found a familiar face from my high school. He is a teacher there and the man I feel is the eyes and ears of the institution. We visited for a short while and went our separate ways. I found a nice little spot in the corner near the confessional (chuckle.) The were people everywhere, and folding chairs were being set up to accommodate the hundred or so that could not fit into the pews. With a few minutes to spare, this above mentioned teacher found me and asked me if I would like to sit upstairs. He took me up and told me that I would be able to save myself if something happened. There I was, sitting in church in the balcony...ALL ALONE. Wow!! Never have I felt so alone, yet comforted. It was really weird. I started to think about why I was there, what I was there for, what I was hoping to get out of this experience. The first question....I have no idea, the second, it just felt like the place I needed to be. The third....well continue reading...So moments before the mass started, I began to sit alone and think about what was coming up. I was about to join in a celebration of 92 lost children and 3 lost nuns, I had the funeral services of Grandma Cuckoo coming up the next couple days, and the day after that was the anniversary of the passing of the man whom I looked to as a father. Holy shit!!! I really wanted to take all this on in this coming week...I sat and thought about all of this and decided that being alone was probably best for all. I mean what if I began to sob during a mass celebrating something that happened 50 years ago...in dress blues to boot...yeah...big man!!
My focus for the mass was to not be distracted and to really try to listen...and did...hence the title..The bishop pointed that out, and that how things have already been how they are, we just fail to notice it. Yeah sure, what the fuck does that mean....well I thought and thought..my conclusion....we don't really need the physical sense as much as we do the time spent with someone. Regardless of how short that time was. Let me explain...We often think of how someone would do something, or what someone would say, what advice they would give, and even think of what they would do in a situation...(you know, like stick a pencil in his ear..) Well it started to makes sense..and this was the first lump in the throat...The loved ones that have passed really haven't left. Now I know you are all probably saying.."sure..this guy has no clue.." Please hear me out...even if we met someone for a second, and that person had our attention..they made an impression...if we never see that person again we still have that impression....it is kind of like the stained glass for the dedicated readers...(after this long winded post...I will be luck to have any readers left....) The point I am trying to make is that just because people are not here with us doesn't mean that what they truly are to us is gone. We get to the homily of this mass and the bishop also says.."how can we give thanks to the Lord even through our pain.?" Wow!!! I had no clue...well that was answered today at the funeral mass for grandma cuckoo....during the homily the priest spoke of the grieving process and how the Lord would be there for us to comfort us in our time of need. Well who better than to give some thanks to for that than JC himself!!! You know what I mean..we all have felt alone, and wondered why this has to happen to us....well we continue to work through it and some how survive...I can't take that much credit for my own perseverance. I mean, the hammer, my wife and friends..while I may have something to do with that, JC has much more to do with it than me. Really some deep thought for a guy that isn't too much of a church guy!!! Up to present. We had the most wonderful funeral mass and proceeded to the cemetery. I noticed on the holy card that it was a cemetery I was familiar with....It was in fact the same place that the hammer's papa Terry was laid to rest. Today was a long hard day...the snow and traffic took it's toll. We searched for papa terry but the snow made it futile....I walked along rubbing of headstones only to have more ice than snow covering them and making it almost impossible to read them....I made a couple laps around the "n"...told Mrs. Hammer "he is right here...." Still nothing....I grew more desperate...yet nothing...I wanted to cry....but then a calm came over me....He really is right here I thought....She really is right here I thought of Grandma Cuckoo...I felt at ease and we left....my hands red and cold...tingling from trying to frantically rub ice from headstones....I thought to myself....no doubt he is right here....that was payback for I65....I know he is here with me ....I know all that I thought were lost are here with me!!! I am grateful....JC has a weird way about him....finally...please take a moment to think of those families from 50 years ago today....think of their loss......offer a quick prayer as I am sure it has already been reciprocated....peace!!!