last kiddie pics

the final ones...

megamillions 170 million dollars...who won???

I did!! Kiddieland with my family..Put a price on that!!

more vacation photos

where have you gone joe dimaggio...

So I know I said I would have written a while ago. A lot has gone on since I wrote, and I mean A LOT. Holy discoveries found!! The photos attached are the vacation I took with the family to Onekama, MI. The golf course you see in the pictures is Arcadia Bluffs (the most beautiful golf course I have ever set foot on, and one that golf writers have said surpasses Pebble Beach, not having been there, I cannot make such statement.)
The lieutenants exam is over and the results will not be out till next summer at the earliest. So there is no news there, I think I got 92 out of the 100 questions on the written portion correct and would be surprised if my oral board portion of the exam is not in a similar percentile. While going through the process of studying and preparing a light bulb went off in my head. It was more the motivational speaker. He (yes the voice of the motivational speaker is a man, duh?!) said, "you know how hard you worked and all the time you put into this. Don't you think it would be even easier to stay in the books for the next exam that comes up?" I said, "absolutely, as a matter of fact, I would rather spend time at the firehouse working on my studies for the next ten years than disappearing from my family for six months at a time to prepare." Motiv speaker: "well that makes sense, and while you are at it, no reason to play the victim, you are smart enough and care enough about your job to get promoted as many times as you like!" Me: "you know something, you are right, it doesn't matter if I am first generation, it would speak volumes to make lt, capt, and then chief...geez I wonder if my wife would call me lou or capt...or wow even chief...I love it" So that is what has come of this. I will meet with my study group 3x a year to review what has come out new from the fd and also keep each other up to speed so to speak. Thus preventing an exam cram!!
The vacation was a great success. Everyone had fun!! People laughed, drank, smiled, napped, fished, swam, ate (lots of treats), and the family got closer. One thing I started to work on was turning my phone off and leaving it behind. You see, my phone is the last tie to my gambling side. I have since confessed to the boss that while I haven't bet since jan, I still owe money that I had not told her of. I have been slowly paying my debt back and only communicate with the man monthly via cell phone. I am embarrassed and ashamed that his number still comes up and I tried to keep her from that. As I would learn later on (foreshadowing) those are things I just need to accept. Anyways back to the vacation, we walked atop dunes, sat and watched sunsets, and just enjoyed being on vacation with each other for the first time in eight years. I give us a gold star for surviving each other!! It was awesome and I look forward to going back next year.
The foreshadowing. After meeting with Cris Angel and discussing my needing to come clean about the money I still owed, we made to great discoveries...One was something I just never looked up to see and the other was one I tried to avoid seeing. You see, I never told the full amount because I was afraid of being seen as a chump, or a sucker. Well you know something, that is what I am when I gambler. I play a game out of emotion (see father) and fail to realize that I will never win this game. Yet I continue to try and try and try to get some validation and the harder I try the deeper I get. That was the part I tried to avoid looking at. What I was not seeing, was right under my nose. When I was gambling, it wasn't the dollars that I was risking. It was something much more precious. It was my wife (the one who has continued to stand by this phoenix as he rises from the ashes (see lieutenant, school, children), my children, friends, and home. Those are the things that I was gambling. Those things never cared how much I had in my pocket, whether I beat the system. Those are the things that make me the wealthiest person I know. They give me soul, life, and let me feel again. Now I know that to the outsider one would say no shit sherlock. Well when you have denied your whole life that you have been doing things to prove yourself to a father that was never looking, it isn't easy to see that. I am not going to lie, I know that I cannot bet on sports, pools, fantasy....none of it and honestly it has been pretty easy this time (as compared with other attempts to stop.) I am starting to see why this is easier. I am starting to see just how much I have, and stopped to try to prove myself. I am growing more comfortable in my skin. I am excited to bring my wife to Cris Angel in a week so he can make more sense of this than I. I think of it as the Tim Taylor and Wilson relationship from the show "Tool Time." So I am plugging away doing my thing just blending in....and you know what...it is nice to be a face in the crowd...cuz this face is easy to find...it is the one with the ear to ear smile!!!

I know I know...

Been a while I know. I want to let everyone know that I am doing just fine. Finally can put the FD books away (well sort of.) I look forward to putting a real post up soon. I think I will hand write it then type. I have had a great run lately. The test went very well. I did the best that I could and that is what I am working on recognizing is what is most important. Thanks for everyone's support. I promise to write more in the short future...adios

Humble Pie

So here I am with a lot to say and once again I am tired and probably will ramble, as I have a tendency to do that when I am so tired. Before I get to the best Valentine's Day ever, I want to bring everyone up to speed with what has been going on here.

So I survived the Super Bowl and am working on getting myself ready for what I am best at. College basketball. I know I know, thats what they all say. This is something that I have been freakish about in years past. I would be a liar if I said I didn't make a lot of money during the NCAA tournament and those conference tourneys leading up to it. My problem is simply that I cannot stop at winning a certain amount. I will play and play and play until it is all gone. There have been good days and bad days here. I have felt some of the deserved resentment from Mrs. Hammer at times and am grateful that she has explained to me such. The bright side is that no matter how upset Mrs Hammer might get and no matter how bad I feel, I always have the smiles of my children and the warmth of my wife. I don't want it to seem like she doesn't believe in me because she does and I am working to prove myself worthy of her faith. Speaking of faith (here goes the rambling), thanks to my friends. Your support is really appreciated and felt!! I need it, thanks!! Anyways, it has been over a month (had to check the calendar) since I have made any wager of any kind. I will always remember the day of my last bet, but find it difficult to keep track of the days since that bet. I find it easier to wake up and tell myself I am not going to bet that day and hold myself to that promise when I lay my head to bed that night. Back to Mrs. Hammer, she doesn't nag, or belittle, and she is finally coming around to asking questions. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT SHE WAS SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT I HAVE IN FACT BET ON TENNIS, NASCAR, AND SOCCER DURING MY TENURE. No kidding folks. I don't know shit about any of those sports. Check out dictionary.com and look up compulsion. So with the NCAA coming up, I have been working to come up with a worth while distraction. The city is offering a promotional exam for lieutenants. This is why I have neglected my single digit fan club these last few weeks. I have been reading, outlining, typing, and writing questions since early Jan. Hopefully I will have some good news to report on April 4th. On to my Valentine's day celebration

Mrs. Hammer and I agreed that we would make Valentine's for each other this year, as I have put us in a situation not much different than our country. So the idea of making cards, to me, was really sweet and sincere. Well I think we know what I did. You got it. Nothing!! Came home this morning and Mrs. Hammer gave me a Valentine that I will never forget (haven't finished reading it yet.) She gave me a can wrapped with pictures of Hammer and Nails and filled with candy and hearts cut from construction paper. On those hearts were notes from Hammer, Nails, and Mrs. Hammer telling me how much I mean to them and how much they love me. Talk about wanting to cry. What a great idea!! So sweet and something that I am really starting to appreciate and not take for granted anymore. I am holding off on reading them all at once, as I like the surprise and think they would be great distractions when I am tempted to do something I know I shouldn't. Now those who know me, know that I wouldn't just blow off V-day. Nope not me. I took my wife to a concert to see one of her favorite artists. Jeff Tweedy of Wilco played at the Vic tonight and we went. This was the first time out in a long time I can remember not being distracted with some score, or what my figure was, or what time games started tomorrow. The answer to those questions is I have no clue!! The concert was awesome. She smiled the whole way through, sang along a bit, and laughed as he was quite funny between songs!! Mrs. Hammer, I am sorry for being distracted over the years and letting those distractions get between us. I am grateful to have seen your happiness tonight!! It was palpable and I did feel it!! I continue to work hard, not bet, and try to live a life worth living. One with my family, friends, love and laughter!!! This Valentine's day those expectations have been met with ease. It is the Valentine that I can remember sharing a gift with you and appreciating your happiness. That was the gift you have given me. Seeing your happiness has made me want to wake up again tomorrow and fight for this all over again!! I love all of you and happy valentines day!!!!!

hello detox

so I know I haven't written in a long time, and unfortunately this will be a very short post. I worked yesterday, Super Bowl Sunday, I was not at my regular firehouse and let me tell you that I felt like a guy in need of methadone. 29 guys at this house, lots of testosterone and actually a couple football coaches. Throw in a degenerate that is practicing abstinence and honesty and you have a recipe for disaster. This part of the story has a happy ending. I studied for close to twelve hours (another story as the Lieutenants Exam approaches) and watch in total about 6 minutes of the Super Bowl. After being asked several times to "buy one of the last squares" and declining over and over, I was greeted with "wait until I call Gruber (my regular boss) and tell him that you didn't get in a single pool at the firehouse." Little did they know how delighted Gruber would be. The single most frugal man in the world. So here I am exhausted and wanting to write more, unfortunately it would be a ramble. I will, I promise, write more soon. Just let me get my feet back. Oh yeah, I am proud to say that this is the first superbowl that I can ever remember not betting on at all!! No pools, strip cards, straight bets, prop bets, parlays....nothing...and I got about 13 pages of notes to show for it!!! how many guys studying can say that! I like the idea of knowing that I am catching up to guys that have been studying by taking advantage of my time!! Adios and thanks to my wife for fielding my calls yesterday as kickoff approached...didn't have to say much, just knowing she was there made my evening so much easier!!!

Cookbook for recovery

Now I know that I left everyone hanging with the stupid people drama. I promise that I will address that matter!! Unfortunately there is a more pressing issue. There are a couple recipes that I have thought of that I want to share with everyone.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER
2 parts dishonesty
1 part lies
2 parts desperation
3 parts fear
4 parts emptiness
1 part anxiety......
This is the recipe that I have been making for the last couple months or so. This is what we call in the land of recovery (or is it really??) a relapse. I have been living my life as usual all the while lying to my family, friends and myself about my behavior. You see, the lies may not be with words or simply about questions regarding gambling. The lies are as simple as "how are you doing?" Sucks to not answer such a simple question with total honesty. Now I understand that some people ask that very question and don't expect the response of:
"well, actually really shitty today. You see I have not been able to sleep, I have been losing money hand over fist, and more importantly I think I am starting to lose my family. You see I'm scared to death of that and don't know what to do. I have had this habit for almost half my life and don't know any other way. Well, I do know another way but it is really hard (I know its a cop out.)...."
Just how would you react to getting that kind of a response from a simple "how are you?" Now I know that my family and friends are saying, if that is how you feel then you should share that with us. I know that you are all there for me, and I thank you for that. The difficulty is having to accept the disappointment head on!! It's not so much the disappointing of myself as it is disappointing others. This is another problem. I must start focusing on myself and how I feel. I need to recognize how I feel is directly relates to how those around me feel. I have that kind of an effect on people, just like they do me....Which leads me to the next recipe...
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS

10 PARTS HONEST
5 PARTS SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS
5 PARTS LOVE
10 PARTS TRUST
5 PARTS HUMILITY
5 PARTS ACCEPTANCE
10 PARTS WANTING TO SUCCEED

So here we are. I have confessed to my wife and family. I have asked for help and am heading back to my meetings as well as the talking doctor. I have finally come to accept my faults. I know how powerless I am. I know how compulsive I can be and I am ready to use that in a constructive manner. I have no other choice. My chances are up, and I want to prove to myself how deserving I am of such a great family, great friends, and PEACE OF MIND. I don't want to be defined as a handicapper. I want to create a new legacy for myself. I need to love my wife as she has loved me. Without regard to my own self. She has stood by me and knows that deep down I really love her and my family and myself. I may have some issues with my own inadequacies. But hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. So I sit here typing feeling better that I don't have to hide behind lies or a false persona. I am sharing this because it must be known, it is a part of me that hiding makes worse. I have to be open and want people to know that deep down, while I may have this ugly streak inside me, I really am a good person, a good husband, father, and friend. I am capable and deserving of all the wonderful things that come with being such a good person. Looking back on that, its not the people around me that need to know all those wonderful things about me. IT IS REALLY JUST ME THAT I NEED TO CONVINCE. With that, I walk with my head tall and am eager to embrace the challenges that come with my recovery. Thanks for listening and I look forward to sharing more good news as time allows!!!

mixed blessings....

So I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything but I must say, a new child...much more exhausting than having just one. If I sound ungrateful I don't really care as this is my blog and not yours...so read on if you like (hopefully you have already picked up on the sarcasm) Just never not tired here...chasing the hammer around, taking a shift at night, bouncing on a goddamn ball to get nails to rest. This is the shit people don't like to share....this is the part the really sucks..Don't get me wrong, I think I am the most blessed guy in the world with a lovely wife and two healthy children...but this being worn out, irritable, smelly(punted on the shower again today)...is starting to take its toll...fortunately there is a light at the end of the tunnel...we have about 3 weeks to go and then, hopefully, we will be on a bit of a schedule. Ah the schedule....damn has the hammer spoiled us!!! To continue on my rants here...to all the morons that have jobs they are cannot do...do me a favor...don't pretend that you have a clue..don't pretend that you matter..it really pisses me off!! Here is one of my many many malfunctions...when I feel I have been unfairly shunned I tend to get an edge...alright an even bigger edge you smart asses!!! Too bad the woman this is directed towards cannot prepare herself for my surprise visit on Tuesday morning...you see..if you say you are going to call someone back, DO IT!!! Its your fucking job...IF YOU ARE OUT OF THE OFFICE THEN MAKE IT NONE YOU NITWIT!!! At my job there are too many people that think having a title really matters...sure it does and you know what the city is on the square...I don't give a shit about your rank...just because you get promoted does not mean they give you a brain...so to all those who got their jobs because of who they know, who the blow, because of their skin color, because they couldn't simply wait their turn...bite me!!! I don't respect you, actually I hold you even more accountable, I have more questions for you...because deep down in your nether regions, we know that you have no integrity and that you will always put yourself first...regardless of what your job description is...and to the princess I get to see on Tuesday...smooches...so looking forward to walking into an office that I know nobody can read above the suntimes level!! adios all...will try to be more meaningful in the next post...thanks for listening to me whine