breath of fresh air!!!!

So the last few posts have sounded a bit desperate and dark. I finally feel a bit more at ease and comfortable. Things have been moving at a much more controlled pace for me and i have noticed less anxiety with my day to day activities. These last two weekends have been lots of fun!! Last weekend we went to the garden center to pick out a pumpkin. We have yet to make it into a jack o' lantern, but later this week. Tough for me to justify feeding the squirrels too early and I have yet to come up with a good idea of what to carve!! If you would have asked me a few weeks ago it would have surely been an angry face. I think this time it will be smiley, almost clown like! Hey, clowns can be creepy. Speaking of clowns...a wise man once said with a clown leaves the circus its not the circus he misses....its the other clowns...what a guy!!! Anyways, the garden center...attached are a few photos from that adventure.....moving on to this weekend..Saturday was gloomy and chilly with a bit of mist in the air!!! Football weather, if you will...what do we do??? Let's go on an adventure downtown!!! Park the car take the stroller out and take the hammer for a nice long walk. We made it al the way to Millennium Park and did the tourist thing. Took in the bean and other sights. For me it went beyond that. I got to take in the sights that I have been missing for so long. The sights that I don't need to drive to a special location to see. The sights that come free of charge. The sights that give me goosebumps much like the skyline does when I return from a road trip. My family!!! How great it was to smile, laugh, love, and share. Really being able to share is something that I'm sure they have been missing too!!! Wow how lucky I am...It's really weird. Us city dwellers that spend our whole lives in this town sometimes fail to realize just how prized and special it is. Attached are a couple more photos from this adventure as well. The highlight was our return trip to the car Northbound on Michigan Avenue and the hammer had freed himself from his shoulder harness and was only buckled in by his waist strap. He stood up, much like leo dicaprio in Titanic, and for the last few blocks had his arms out, was smiling and putting on a show for everyone looking at him. He was a true star!!! I am surrounded by stars!!! How lucky we truly are when we take time to breathe the fresh air!!!!

the work in progress.....

much like the dog costume that is being assembled for the hammer, I too am a work in progress. With any major project the exterior is the first to be noticed, but it is the infrastructure that takes time. So things are moving forward here. Lines of communication are being opened I am breathing easier and laughing with sincerity. Feels good to be a bit lighter. Speaking of lighter. I have little boy here that just is non stop entertainment. From being like a talking doll to being a trapeze artist, he never ceases to amaze. We are like frick and frack when we go out. I like to walk hand and hand with him, as he is a bit too heavy for me at times. Just an absolute riot!!!! Went to get pumpkins last week as a family, and that was a feeling I would love to bottle up and eat for breakfast everyday. Went with my wife to a wonderful open house on Saturday night only to be amused by laughter so loud you would have rather driven a sharpened pencil through your eardrum. Good food, cold beer, great company and a beautiful house!! What a night. On vacation now and will try to write more...going to try to be a better man each day while on this vacation. I owe it to so many people and want to thank everyone for their faith and support!! Ya'll are going to be impressed....a quote that will make some chuckle and give a peek into my twisted sense of humor...this was heard at the party on Saturday..."you know, I don't think he is retarded...just a little slow" it is even funnier when my wife says it!!! adios...

being right...

So today I made an appointment with my physician. I have a sinus infection. Whoa is me. Whatever. My wife and my mother both told me to make an appointment over a week ago. The stubborn one here decided he would fight through the nagging congestion, lack of sleep and teary eyes. I never claimed to be the smartest. Anyways...this brings me to the being right thing. I don't know what it is about me that has always had this obsession with being right. I know, looking back, that it definitely plays a role in my obsession with wagering. So I began to ponder what is so wrong with not being right. For me it is control. I feel that, when I am wrong, I have somehow not prepared to be right and this inadequacy is not very becoming. I also think it has to do with me not thinking the best of myself at all times....another character flaw I am working on. Bear with me here folks. What I am starting to notice is that in order to grow as a person I must let go of my obsession with being right. It is being wrong that creates learning. Being wrong would allow others (my wife especially) to know that I truly trust them. Much like a "trust fall." Ya know what I mean. My obsession with being able to handicap games and make wagers that win or lose would make me feel even emptier inside. There is so much about these people that wants me to make them feel this trust that I have in them. Wanting them to know what it means to have support....to have them know I do enjoy the giving that is provided for me. This is something that I will never get from winning a big game, yet I consistently attempt to do so. For the record this is getting bit deeper than I originally intended (everyone that reads please send me a billing statement for this session and I will cut you all checks...hee hee.) After reading what I have written it goes beyond being right. It falls on my shoulders to be comfortable to be who I am and trust who I have around me...and that those around me want to see me grow and be free of this albatross. This is heavy enough...on a lighter side...at work yesterday taxpayers will be happy to know that the same guy was picked up and taken to the hospital at 3 different times on the taxpayers dime!!

exposed...

Well it seems there are a few people with no lives that have found this blog interesting to read. To you few, I raise a glass...CHEERS..I guess the reason that I don't write as much as I should is because I am always waiting for something super insightful or something that is worth reading. After sitting here, though, it dawned on me that sometimes what is worth reading may not be what I need to be writing. I need to write for me, which is what I have done in previous posts and what I will continue to do. Anyways, one thing that has been on my mind is the truth. The difficulty I have with the truth is not wanting to disappoint. I think that there have been times where I haven't lied, yet may not have told the whole truth so as not to disappoint others. This is something that, after thinking about, helped me realize why sometimes it is hard for me to reflect. This honesty is the most humbling of all when we are completely true to ourselves. I have great family, I mean great great family, so supportive, loving, forgiving, understanding, and most importantly honest. Yet at times I am not this fair in return. It saddens me to think about this. My friends are the same way. 95% of the time I give exactly who I am to my friends and family. I am striving for perfection. Sometimes not being comfortable in my own skin is what drives me to do thing things I shouldn't be doing and winds up making up that 5%. I know, I know, when evaluating choices, if it is something that I wouldn't want everyone to know about then I shouldn't do it. Easier said than done. I need to keep working on reprogramming my mind. I have to get through my thick skull that I am who I am and that all that I am, I am popeye the sailor man. Truly, I don't need to be anyone else. I don't have to keep up with anyone else. I want nobody other than my wife. She is the best!!! That's where I find it hardest with the honesty sometimes...Just that I feel like I have disappointed here too many times and will never be able to be at ease with how I have made her feel. The reason I beat myself up so much about this is because she has never done anything to make me feel like I cannot be who I am around her. Not looking for a pity party, just venting. Just have to keep at it. I know in one of my earlier posts I talked about being funny. Really funny shit here huh...such a downer....this is worse than a country song...funny things that have gone on lately...I will pose it as a question...do you think it is wrong to cook for four other men in a kitchen wearing just flip flops and a robe??? ps the kitchen is at work, not at home...makes me laugh everytime I think of the story...I will try to write more...try to be a bit more off the cuff and less premeditated...but I am sort of OCD like that...adios....

the title

I thought it would be a pretty good idea to shed some light on the title of my blog. The meaning is quite simple. This is for people who felt they had nothing else, the end was near, yet somehow found reason to keep plugging away. It is for people to know they aren't alone, and recognize just how much would be left. We wake up and realize just how the day after what we felt was our last really feels. People become a little more aware as things don't quite both us so much. Not much else to offer today. I am home with my son today and having a blast. Today I consider myself to be Lou Gehrig!!! Yippee!!!

Josh Waitzkin

As I sat and watched one of my favorite movies, the thought of reflection became more apparent. In order to grow people need to do things for themselves. For years I have done things out of spite. Ugh, is that tiring. While watching today, I started to realize what it was that I needed to really start working on. People give and take from one another everyday. It is what we take that is more important than what we give. I know it sounds selfish, but let me explain. By taking, we are listening, reasoning and while maybe not agreeing with also respecting others opinions, ideas, and actions. It is how we take what we observe and experience from others that starts to shape us. We are all little reflections of people we have met. The reflection is something that we want others to take from us. Paying it forward in a way. Our reflection is determined by our open mindedness as well as our personalities. The hardest part of this is recognizing our reflection and changing what we don't like about it. That part can be quite humbling!! Weird that I can come up with something like that while catching the end of a movie and giving the hammer a bottle for a nap he would refuse to take!!! Thanks again~~ while I have you though, my gripe...how does school start and a bookstore not have a book. Secondly, how do they justify charging what they do for books. Online I found a book 70 dollars cheaper, seriously, and we worry about people gas gouging. Hello!!! I have figured out why students are broke. It is not credit cards, binge drinking, or being wasteful. It is money wasted on a new edition, which should really read, "edited edition." Because we all know they just fixed a typo!!!!

Accountability

Well as you can see, it has been some time since I have posted. I think it is safe to assume, I have not been living up to the goals that I have. That being said, I wouldn't call this summer a total loss. I have, in my opinion, done a great job spending time with my wife and son, enjoying the summer and each other's company. While I have slipped on my long road, my support system has me working toward growth as more of a complete person. School is beginning and I am taking one class this semester. I also will be studying for a promotional exam in the not so distant future, so this too will keep me busy. A friend of mine writes here as well and she has mentioned talk of censoring herself. Let me be the first to tell you that I will not apologize for my opinions, as they are mine, I will not be offended if you are offended, and to be quite honest, would be more offended, if I didn't offend some. That would really worry me. Anyways, I know I have few readers and that will change. Nobody here really knows about me. In order for me to grow, I must hold myself more accountable and be honest to myself before I can move forward. The next few months will be spent hard at work. Hopefully my OCD will allow me to delve into my work as much as I have been into numbers. It is funny to think about how much wasted energy I have spent in my life being distracted by numbers. It is time for me to be distracted by numbers that matter....here are just a few....1092004, 2201974,6132007,12022003....those are numbers that are the ones I should be focusing on....not all of them listed...just a few...anyone solving the puzzle wins a prize...a coaster with a donkey on it (they belong to my wife...i have deemed them expendable)...adios...and hopefully soon I will have something a bit more interesting and less cryptic for you to read