Of course they are real.....wanna touch

You saw the title and thought I was talking about a pair of store bought, inflated, crooked, way too big, and gaudy .....hah!!! Gotcha. With that I say happy halloween!!! These pumpkins are my first in really carving. They were fun and challenging. I think they turned out great. Hell at least you can tell what they are!! Anyways, the attempt to try something I wasn't really skilled in was fun. It was uncharted waters for me. I try to stay close to the vest when it comes to things like that. Not really wanting to put myself out there. As you can see the hammer got a kick out of the pumpkins too. Mama hammer giggled with us as he put his hand inside and felt all the good parts of a pumpkin. It feels so good to laugh again!!! To be able to share the joy my son has in watching all these new things going on around him. Tomorrow we get to go to a halloween party at Mama hammer's school!!! Costumes are a surprise and I will post pictures of them here as well. Scary to say it as the holidays roll around but I'm starting to feel like I am a contributor to my family. Not just the one taking. I feel like those around me are starting to feel my energy and that is helping all of us!!! There is one sound that will remain with me forever. That is the sound of the hammer laughing. He is a trip. Running around after his bath, enjoying naked time and laughing as he runs from his room to our room and back again hiding each time. Out of breath, giggling, smiling, with his nascar hair!!! not even going the mullet route..."O Thor the mighty god of thunder" Yup right from Adventures in Babysitting. He is the man don't mess with him or he will squash your face with a badminton racket
, I have seen it done before. Anyways, enjoy and have a Happy Halloween!!!!

pictures from the second adventure...

Some more pictures to share here...from the second adventure...please read the previous post...Mrs. Hammer will not be happy with these snapshots, but isn't she dreamy!!

breath of fresh air!!!!

So the last few posts have sounded a bit desperate and dark. I finally feel a bit more at ease and comfortable. Things have been moving at a much more controlled pace for me and i have noticed less anxiety with my day to day activities. These last two weekends have been lots of fun!! Last weekend we went to the garden center to pick out a pumpkin. We have yet to make it into a jack o' lantern, but later this week. Tough for me to justify feeding the squirrels too early and I have yet to come up with a good idea of what to carve!! If you would have asked me a few weeks ago it would have surely been an angry face. I think this time it will be smiley, almost clown like! Hey, clowns can be creepy. Speaking of clowns...a wise man once said with a clown leaves the circus its not the circus he misses....its the other clowns...what a guy!!! Anyways, the garden center...attached are a few photos from that adventure.....moving on to this weekend..Saturday was gloomy and chilly with a bit of mist in the air!!! Football weather, if you will...what do we do??? Let's go on an adventure downtown!!! Park the car take the stroller out and take the hammer for a nice long walk. We made it al the way to Millennium Park and did the tourist thing. Took in the bean and other sights. For me it went beyond that. I got to take in the sights that I have been missing for so long. The sights that I don't need to drive to a special location to see. The sights that come free of charge. The sights that give me goosebumps much like the skyline does when I return from a road trip. My family!!! How great it was to smile, laugh, love, and share. Really being able to share is something that I'm sure they have been missing too!!! Wow how lucky I am...It's really weird. Us city dwellers that spend our whole lives in this town sometimes fail to realize just how prized and special it is. Attached are a couple more photos from this adventure as well. The highlight was our return trip to the car Northbound on Michigan Avenue and the hammer had freed himself from his shoulder harness and was only buckled in by his waist strap. He stood up, much like leo dicaprio in Titanic, and for the last few blocks had his arms out, was smiling and putting on a show for everyone looking at him. He was a true star!!! I am surrounded by stars!!! How lucky we truly are when we take time to breathe the fresh air!!!!

the work in progress.....

much like the dog costume that is being assembled for the hammer, I too am a work in progress. With any major project the exterior is the first to be noticed, but it is the infrastructure that takes time. So things are moving forward here. Lines of communication are being opened I am breathing easier and laughing with sincerity. Feels good to be a bit lighter. Speaking of lighter. I have little boy here that just is non stop entertainment. From being like a talking doll to being a trapeze artist, he never ceases to amaze. We are like frick and frack when we go out. I like to walk hand and hand with him, as he is a bit too heavy for me at times. Just an absolute riot!!!! Went to get pumpkins last week as a family, and that was a feeling I would love to bottle up and eat for breakfast everyday. Went with my wife to a wonderful open house on Saturday night only to be amused by laughter so loud you would have rather driven a sharpened pencil through your eardrum. Good food, cold beer, great company and a beautiful house!! What a night. On vacation now and will try to write more...going to try to be a better man each day while on this vacation. I owe it to so many people and want to thank everyone for their faith and support!! Ya'll are going to be impressed....a quote that will make some chuckle and give a peek into my twisted sense of humor...this was heard at the party on Saturday..."you know, I don't think he is retarded...just a little slow" it is even funnier when my wife says it!!! adios...

being right...

So today I made an appointment with my physician. I have a sinus infection. Whoa is me. Whatever. My wife and my mother both told me to make an appointment over a week ago. The stubborn one here decided he would fight through the nagging congestion, lack of sleep and teary eyes. I never claimed to be the smartest. Anyways...this brings me to the being right thing. I don't know what it is about me that has always had this obsession with being right. I know, looking back, that it definitely plays a role in my obsession with wagering. So I began to ponder what is so wrong with not being right. For me it is control. I feel that, when I am wrong, I have somehow not prepared to be right and this inadequacy is not very becoming. I also think it has to do with me not thinking the best of myself at all times....another character flaw I am working on. Bear with me here folks. What I am starting to notice is that in order to grow as a person I must let go of my obsession with being right. It is being wrong that creates learning. Being wrong would allow others (my wife especially) to know that I truly trust them. Much like a "trust fall." Ya know what I mean. My obsession with being able to handicap games and make wagers that win or lose would make me feel even emptier inside. There is so much about these people that wants me to make them feel this trust that I have in them. Wanting them to know what it means to have support....to have them know I do enjoy the giving that is provided for me. This is something that I will never get from winning a big game, yet I consistently attempt to do so. For the record this is getting bit deeper than I originally intended (everyone that reads please send me a billing statement for this session and I will cut you all checks...hee hee.) After reading what I have written it goes beyond being right. It falls on my shoulders to be comfortable to be who I am and trust who I have around me...and that those around me want to see me grow and be free of this albatross. This is heavy enough...on a lighter side...at work yesterday taxpayers will be happy to know that the same guy was picked up and taken to the hospital at 3 different times on the taxpayers dime!!

exposed...

Well it seems there are a few people with no lives that have found this blog interesting to read. To you few, I raise a glass...CHEERS..I guess the reason that I don't write as much as I should is because I am always waiting for something super insightful or something that is worth reading. After sitting here, though, it dawned on me that sometimes what is worth reading may not be what I need to be writing. I need to write for me, which is what I have done in previous posts and what I will continue to do. Anyways, one thing that has been on my mind is the truth. The difficulty I have with the truth is not wanting to disappoint. I think that there have been times where I haven't lied, yet may not have told the whole truth so as not to disappoint others. This is something that, after thinking about, helped me realize why sometimes it is hard for me to reflect. This honesty is the most humbling of all when we are completely true to ourselves. I have great family, I mean great great family, so supportive, loving, forgiving, understanding, and most importantly honest. Yet at times I am not this fair in return. It saddens me to think about this. My friends are the same way. 95% of the time I give exactly who I am to my friends and family. I am striving for perfection. Sometimes not being comfortable in my own skin is what drives me to do thing things I shouldn't be doing and winds up making up that 5%. I know, I know, when evaluating choices, if it is something that I wouldn't want everyone to know about then I shouldn't do it. Easier said than done. I need to keep working on reprogramming my mind. I have to get through my thick skull that I am who I am and that all that I am, I am popeye the sailor man. Truly, I don't need to be anyone else. I don't have to keep up with anyone else. I want nobody other than my wife. She is the best!!! That's where I find it hardest with the honesty sometimes...Just that I feel like I have disappointed here too many times and will never be able to be at ease with how I have made her feel. The reason I beat myself up so much about this is because she has never done anything to make me feel like I cannot be who I am around her. Not looking for a pity party, just venting. Just have to keep at it. I know in one of my earlier posts I talked about being funny. Really funny shit here huh...such a downer....this is worse than a country song...funny things that have gone on lately...I will pose it as a question...do you think it is wrong to cook for four other men in a kitchen wearing just flip flops and a robe??? ps the kitchen is at work, not at home...makes me laugh everytime I think of the story...I will try to write more...try to be a bit more off the cuff and less premeditated...but I am sort of OCD like that...adios....