Now I know that I left everyone hanging with the stupid people drama. I promise that I will address that matter!! Unfortunately there is a more pressing issue. There are a couple recipes that I have thought of that I want to share with everyone.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
2 parts dishonesty
1 part lies
2 parts desperation
3 parts fear
4 parts emptiness
1 part anxiety......
This is the recipe that I have been making for the last couple months or so. This is what we call in the land of recovery (or is it really??) a relapse. I have been living my life as usual all the while lying to my family, friends and myself about my behavior. You see, the lies may not be with words or simply about questions regarding gambling. The lies are as simple as "how are you doing?" Sucks to not answer such a simple question with total honesty. Now I understand that some people ask that very question and don't expect the response of:
"well, actually really shitty today. You see I have not been able to sleep, I have been losing money hand over fist, and more importantly I think I am starting to lose my family. You see I'm scared to death of that and don't know what to do. I have had this habit for almost half my life and don't know any other way. Well, I do know another way but it is really hard (I know its a cop out.)...."
Just how would you react to getting that kind of a response from a simple "how are you?" Now I know that my family and friends are saying, if that is how you feel then you should share that with us. I know that you are all there for me, and I thank you for that. The difficulty is having to accept the disappointment head on!! It's not so much the disappointing of myself as it is disappointing others. This is another problem. I must start focusing on myself and how I feel. I need to recognize how I feel is directly relates to how those around me feel. I have that kind of an effect on people, just like they do me....Which leads me to the next recipe...
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
10 PARTS HONEST
5 PARTS SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS
5 PARTS LOVE
10 PARTS TRUST
5 PARTS HUMILITY
5 PARTS ACCEPTANCE
10 PARTS WANTING TO SUCCEED
So here we are. I have confessed to my wife and family. I have asked for help and am heading back to my meetings as well as the talking doctor. I have finally come to accept my faults. I know how powerless I am. I know how compulsive I can be and I am ready to use that in a constructive manner. I have no other choice. My chances are up, and I want to prove to myself how deserving I am of such a great family, great friends, and PEACE OF MIND. I don't want to be defined as a handicapper. I want to create a new legacy for myself. I need to love my wife as she has loved me. Without regard to my own self. She has stood by me and knows that deep down I really love her and my family and myself. I may have some issues with my own inadequacies. But hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. So I sit here typing feeling better that I don't have to hide behind lies or a false persona. I am sharing this because it must be known, it is a part of me that hiding makes worse. I have to be open and want people to know that deep down, while I may have this ugly streak inside me, I really am a good person, a good husband, father, and friend. I am capable and deserving of all the wonderful things that come with being such a good person. Looking back on that, its not the people around me that need to know all those wonderful things about me. IT IS REALLY JUST ME THAT I NEED TO CONVINCE. With that, I walk with my head tall and am eager to embrace the challenges that come with my recovery. Thanks for listening and I look forward to sharing more good news as time allows!!!
2 comments:
i think you would be surprised at the reaction you would get if you answered honestly like that. as much as the rest of us (me) can get caught up in our lives, we still give a shit about what's going on with you. if you ttell us fine, well...that's what you tell us. but you have to trust us too that we can handle an aswer that's not "i'm fine."
it sounds like you know what you need to do, and your doing it, which is miles ahead of a lot of addicts.
The really interesting thing about this statement "I really am a good person, a good husband, father, and friend" is that I have always felt this way about you. Now I don't live in your house and you dont change my diapers but you have always been a great friend and a wonderful person to me and those that I know. Geesh, my own brother calls you his brother and my Dad called you a son. Keep your head up and really really know that when I ask you how you are, I wouldnt mind being the friend that listens. Thats what we're here for. Ive got my own skeletons my friend, you are not alone.
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