Humble Pie

So here I am with a lot to say and once again I am tired and probably will ramble, as I have a tendency to do that when I am so tired. Before I get to the best Valentine's Day ever, I want to bring everyone up to speed with what has been going on here.

So I survived the Super Bowl and am working on getting myself ready for what I am best at. College basketball. I know I know, thats what they all say. This is something that I have been freakish about in years past. I would be a liar if I said I didn't make a lot of money during the NCAA tournament and those conference tourneys leading up to it. My problem is simply that I cannot stop at winning a certain amount. I will play and play and play until it is all gone. There have been good days and bad days here. I have felt some of the deserved resentment from Mrs. Hammer at times and am grateful that she has explained to me such. The bright side is that no matter how upset Mrs Hammer might get and no matter how bad I feel, I always have the smiles of my children and the warmth of my wife. I don't want it to seem like she doesn't believe in me because she does and I am working to prove myself worthy of her faith. Speaking of faith (here goes the rambling), thanks to my friends. Your support is really appreciated and felt!! I need it, thanks!! Anyways, it has been over a month (had to check the calendar) since I have made any wager of any kind. I will always remember the day of my last bet, but find it difficult to keep track of the days since that bet. I find it easier to wake up and tell myself I am not going to bet that day and hold myself to that promise when I lay my head to bed that night. Back to Mrs. Hammer, she doesn't nag, or belittle, and she is finally coming around to asking questions. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT SHE WAS SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT I HAVE IN FACT BET ON TENNIS, NASCAR, AND SOCCER DURING MY TENURE. No kidding folks. I don't know shit about any of those sports. Check out dictionary.com and look up compulsion. So with the NCAA coming up, I have been working to come up with a worth while distraction. The city is offering a promotional exam for lieutenants. This is why I have neglected my single digit fan club these last few weeks. I have been reading, outlining, typing, and writing questions since early Jan. Hopefully I will have some good news to report on April 4th. On to my Valentine's day celebration

Mrs. Hammer and I agreed that we would make Valentine's for each other this year, as I have put us in a situation not much different than our country. So the idea of making cards, to me, was really sweet and sincere. Well I think we know what I did. You got it. Nothing!! Came home this morning and Mrs. Hammer gave me a Valentine that I will never forget (haven't finished reading it yet.) She gave me a can wrapped with pictures of Hammer and Nails and filled with candy and hearts cut from construction paper. On those hearts were notes from Hammer, Nails, and Mrs. Hammer telling me how much I mean to them and how much they love me. Talk about wanting to cry. What a great idea!! So sweet and something that I am really starting to appreciate and not take for granted anymore. I am holding off on reading them all at once, as I like the surprise and think they would be great distractions when I am tempted to do something I know I shouldn't. Now those who know me, know that I wouldn't just blow off V-day. Nope not me. I took my wife to a concert to see one of her favorite artists. Jeff Tweedy of Wilco played at the Vic tonight and we went. This was the first time out in a long time I can remember not being distracted with some score, or what my figure was, or what time games started tomorrow. The answer to those questions is I have no clue!! The concert was awesome. She smiled the whole way through, sang along a bit, and laughed as he was quite funny between songs!! Mrs. Hammer, I am sorry for being distracted over the years and letting those distractions get between us. I am grateful to have seen your happiness tonight!! It was palpable and I did feel it!! I continue to work hard, not bet, and try to live a life worth living. One with my family, friends, love and laughter!!! This Valentine's day those expectations have been met with ease. It is the Valentine that I can remember sharing a gift with you and appreciating your happiness. That was the gift you have given me. Seeing your happiness has made me want to wake up again tomorrow and fight for this all over again!! I love all of you and happy valentines day!!!!!

hello detox

so I know I haven't written in a long time, and unfortunately this will be a very short post. I worked yesterday, Super Bowl Sunday, I was not at my regular firehouse and let me tell you that I felt like a guy in need of methadone. 29 guys at this house, lots of testosterone and actually a couple football coaches. Throw in a degenerate that is practicing abstinence and honesty and you have a recipe for disaster. This part of the story has a happy ending. I studied for close to twelve hours (another story as the Lieutenants Exam approaches) and watch in total about 6 minutes of the Super Bowl. After being asked several times to "buy one of the last squares" and declining over and over, I was greeted with "wait until I call Gruber (my regular boss) and tell him that you didn't get in a single pool at the firehouse." Little did they know how delighted Gruber would be. The single most frugal man in the world. So here I am exhausted and wanting to write more, unfortunately it would be a ramble. I will, I promise, write more soon. Just let me get my feet back. Oh yeah, I am proud to say that this is the first superbowl that I can ever remember not betting on at all!! No pools, strip cards, straight bets, prop bets, parlays....nothing...and I got about 13 pages of notes to show for it!!! how many guys studying can say that! I like the idea of knowing that I am catching up to guys that have been studying by taking advantage of my time!! Adios and thanks to my wife for fielding my calls yesterday as kickoff approached...didn't have to say much, just knowing she was there made my evening so much easier!!!

Cookbook for recovery

Now I know that I left everyone hanging with the stupid people drama. I promise that I will address that matter!! Unfortunately there is a more pressing issue. There are a couple recipes that I have thought of that I want to share with everyone.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER
2 parts dishonesty
1 part lies
2 parts desperation
3 parts fear
4 parts emptiness
1 part anxiety......
This is the recipe that I have been making for the last couple months or so. This is what we call in the land of recovery (or is it really??) a relapse. I have been living my life as usual all the while lying to my family, friends and myself about my behavior. You see, the lies may not be with words or simply about questions regarding gambling. The lies are as simple as "how are you doing?" Sucks to not answer such a simple question with total honesty. Now I understand that some people ask that very question and don't expect the response of:
"well, actually really shitty today. You see I have not been able to sleep, I have been losing money hand over fist, and more importantly I think I am starting to lose my family. You see I'm scared to death of that and don't know what to do. I have had this habit for almost half my life and don't know any other way. Well, I do know another way but it is really hard (I know its a cop out.)...."
Just how would you react to getting that kind of a response from a simple "how are you?" Now I know that my family and friends are saying, if that is how you feel then you should share that with us. I know that you are all there for me, and I thank you for that. The difficulty is having to accept the disappointment head on!! It's not so much the disappointing of myself as it is disappointing others. This is another problem. I must start focusing on myself and how I feel. I need to recognize how I feel is directly relates to how those around me feel. I have that kind of an effect on people, just like they do me....Which leads me to the next recipe...
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS

10 PARTS HONEST
5 PARTS SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS
5 PARTS LOVE
10 PARTS TRUST
5 PARTS HUMILITY
5 PARTS ACCEPTANCE
10 PARTS WANTING TO SUCCEED

So here we are. I have confessed to my wife and family. I have asked for help and am heading back to my meetings as well as the talking doctor. I have finally come to accept my faults. I know how powerless I am. I know how compulsive I can be and I am ready to use that in a constructive manner. I have no other choice. My chances are up, and I want to prove to myself how deserving I am of such a great family, great friends, and PEACE OF MIND. I don't want to be defined as a handicapper. I want to create a new legacy for myself. I need to love my wife as she has loved me. Without regard to my own self. She has stood by me and knows that deep down I really love her and my family and myself. I may have some issues with my own inadequacies. But hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. So I sit here typing feeling better that I don't have to hide behind lies or a false persona. I am sharing this because it must be known, it is a part of me that hiding makes worse. I have to be open and want people to know that deep down, while I may have this ugly streak inside me, I really am a good person, a good husband, father, and friend. I am capable and deserving of all the wonderful things that come with being such a good person. Looking back on that, its not the people around me that need to know all those wonderful things about me. IT IS REALLY JUST ME THAT I NEED TO CONVINCE. With that, I walk with my head tall and am eager to embrace the challenges that come with my recovery. Thanks for listening and I look forward to sharing more good news as time allows!!!

mixed blessings....

So I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything but I must say, a new child...much more exhausting than having just one. If I sound ungrateful I don't really care as this is my blog and not yours...so read on if you like (hopefully you have already picked up on the sarcasm) Just never not tired here...chasing the hammer around, taking a shift at night, bouncing on a goddamn ball to get nails to rest. This is the shit people don't like to share....this is the part the really sucks..Don't get me wrong, I think I am the most blessed guy in the world with a lovely wife and two healthy children...but this being worn out, irritable, smelly(punted on the shower again today)...is starting to take its toll...fortunately there is a light at the end of the tunnel...we have about 3 weeks to go and then, hopefully, we will be on a bit of a schedule. Ah the schedule....damn has the hammer spoiled us!!! To continue on my rants here...to all the morons that have jobs they are cannot do...do me a favor...don't pretend that you have a clue..don't pretend that you matter..it really pisses me off!! Here is one of my many many malfunctions...when I feel I have been unfairly shunned I tend to get an edge...alright an even bigger edge you smart asses!!! Too bad the woman this is directed towards cannot prepare herself for my surprise visit on Tuesday morning...you see..if you say you are going to call someone back, DO IT!!! Its your fucking job...IF YOU ARE OUT OF THE OFFICE THEN MAKE IT NONE YOU NITWIT!!! At my job there are too many people that think having a title really matters...sure it does and you know what the city is on the square...I don't give a shit about your rank...just because you get promoted does not mean they give you a brain...so to all those who got their jobs because of who they know, who the blow, because of their skin color, because they couldn't simply wait their turn...bite me!!! I don't respect you, actually I hold you even more accountable, I have more questions for you...because deep down in your nether regions, we know that you have no integrity and that you will always put yourself first...regardless of what your job description is...and to the princess I get to see on Tuesday...smooches...so looking forward to walking into an office that I know nobody can read above the suntimes level!! adios all...will try to be more meaningful in the next post...thanks for listening to me whine

overwhelmed....

While the holidays have come and gone (for the most part) the overwhelming feeling that is associated with them has not followed suit. Unfortunately I feel as if I am buried up to my neck. That doesn't mean I don't welcome it. You see, on the 16th we added a baby girl to our family. We will call her nails as her brother has the moniker of hammer. We have also had ridiculous amounts of snow and horribly cold weather that have left us no place to go (for the most part) but the four walls of our home. This can make things aggravating, tense, cozy, and funny at times. It is hard because everyone is tired here and Mrs Hammer and I are both a bit edgy. This is all to be expected. All this has delayed my writing as I pondered what was really readable and what I was really feeling. As for the holidays it was great watching hammer open gifts, even funnier watching him play with his toys, and sweet being home with wife, hammer and nails to really be able to celebrate our family. The stresses come with travel from place to place, my schedule not always allowing me to be home on the holidays themselves, my mother who doesn't express her feelings all that well(yeah, its hereditary.) The most difficult part of the holidays I found this year, is not letting the stresses outweigh the happiness. Nothing will ever be able to do that, and I know this!!! So why the hell is it so hard for me to put that into practice? Why do I let myself and mood be altered by things outside my control? Why do I think that people see my gifts as inferior if they don't cost a certain amount? I think partly because I am crazy!! No offense to those that think that is an insult...if you think it is an insult it is because you are really really fucking crazy....anyways..I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, and consider myself a holiday survivor and also wanted to let you know that, while exhausting, the holidays this year were my best ever. I couldn't have been luckier, or more humbled with all the love and support that I have received from family and friends...most importantly...from my wife...now I know that she thinks sometimes I write here for my audience...I can honestly say that these words to follow are the first time I have written here for someone. To my wife...you have strength, tenderness and love that I cannot measure. You inspire me with your determination!!! You make me melt every time I lay eyes on you (now more than ever!!)..you stand by me when I screw up....you pick me up and won't let me quit...you are a mother to be modeled after!!! You inspire me!!! These gifts I know that I can't pay back....The only gift I truly have that is mine to offer is my heart!!! I love you...

what is now has already been....

First things first, this may get a bit heavy and you may not want to read. I do, however, believe that you will be satisfied if you come along on my journey of reflection these last few days. Thankfully, I get to see Cris Angel this week!!! There will be some "God squad" portions to this, but by no means do I intend to preach. The title is taken from Ecclesiastes. Why don't we jump into the old Delorian and join Michael J. Fox in a trip back in time to this past Thursday. Thanksgiving!!! Woo hoo and what a day it was. We spent it with the in laws and had a fabulous feast. It was quite the family gathering sans drama. Perfect for my taste!! Mrs. Hammer's grandmother has been ill for a while now and was in grave condition coming into the holiday. Later that Thursday evening Mary Jane found it best to spend the rest of her eternal life with the angels she once walked with. Some we knew and others she was only privy to. We learned of her passing the following morning while grocery shopping. Yeah, so what, we went to the store the day after Thanksgiving!!! Don't you people know that there is nobody at the grocery store on that day, because the are all busy trying to trample people at walmart...sorry for getting off the subject. We came home and Mrs. Hammer talked to her mom, and had a moment herself. While this is something we knew was for the best, the finality of it is still quite difficult.
That same Friday afternoon was a full page spread in the newspaper about a 50 year anniversary of the Our Lady of the Angels fire. Having read a book on the matter and also being in fire service it is something that I have always had an inkling for. In the article was mention of a memorial mass on the upcoming Sunday. I thought it would be the appropriate event for me to attend. It would be a long day, as Grandma Cuckoo's wake was that day as well. The day would somehow seem much shorter when it was all over.
I walked into the doors of the church. After finding street parking due to the large attendance. After taking in the large amounts of people (I don't do to well in crowds.) I found a familiar face from my high school. He is a teacher there and the man I feel is the eyes and ears of the institution. We visited for a short while and went our separate ways. I found a nice little spot in the corner near the confessional (chuckle.) The were people everywhere, and folding chairs were being set up to accommodate the hundred or so that could not fit into the pews. With a few minutes to spare, this above mentioned teacher found me and asked me if I would like to sit upstairs. He took me up and told me that I would be able to save myself if something happened. There I was, sitting in church in the balcony...ALL ALONE. Wow!! Never have I felt so alone, yet comforted. It was really weird. I started to think about why I was there, what I was there for, what I was hoping to get out of this experience. The first question....I have no idea, the second, it just felt like the place I needed to be. The third....well continue reading...So moments before the mass started, I began to sit alone and think about what was coming up. I was about to join in a celebration of 92 lost children and 3 lost nuns, I had the funeral services of Grandma Cuckoo coming up the next couple days, and the day after that was the anniversary of the passing of the man whom I looked to as a father. Holy shit!!! I really wanted to take all this on in this coming week...I sat and thought about all of this and decided that being alone was probably best for all. I mean what if I began to sob during a mass celebrating something that happened 50 years ago...in dress blues to boot...yeah...big man!!
My focus for the mass was to not be distracted and to really try to listen...and did...hence the title..The bishop pointed that out, and that how things have already been how they are, we just fail to notice it. Yeah sure, what the fuck does that mean....well I thought and thought..my conclusion....we don't really need the physical sense as much as we do the time spent with someone. Regardless of how short that time was. Let me explain...We often think of how someone would do something, or what someone would say, what advice they would give, and even think of what they would do in a situation...(you know, like stick a pencil in his ear..) Well it started to makes sense..and this was the first lump in the throat...The loved ones that have passed really haven't left. Now I know you are all probably saying.."sure..this guy has no clue.." Please hear me out...even if we met someone for a second, and that person had our attention..they made an impression...if we never see that person again we still have that impression....it is kind of like the stained glass for the dedicated readers...(after this long winded post...I will be luck to have any readers left....) The point I am trying to make is that just because people are not here with us doesn't mean that what they truly are to us is gone. We get to the homily of this mass and the bishop also says.."how can we give thanks to the Lord even through our pain.?" Wow!!! I had no clue...well that was answered today at the funeral mass for grandma cuckoo....during the homily the priest spoke of the grieving process and how the Lord would be there for us to comfort us in our time of need. Well who better than to give some thanks to for that than JC himself!!! You know what I mean..we all have felt alone, and wondered why this has to happen to us....well we continue to work through it and some how survive...I can't take that much credit for my own perseverance. I mean, the hammer, my wife and friends..while I may have something to do with that, JC has much more to do with it than me. Really some deep thought for a guy that isn't too much of a church guy!!! Up to present. We had the most wonderful funeral mass and proceeded to the cemetery. I noticed on the holy card that it was a cemetery I was familiar with....It was in fact the same place that the hammer's papa Terry was laid to rest. Today was a long hard day...the snow and traffic took it's toll. We searched for papa terry but the snow made it futile....I walked along rubbing of headstones only to have more ice than snow covering them and making it almost impossible to read them....I made a couple laps around the "n"...told Mrs. Hammer "he is right here...." Still nothing....I grew more desperate...yet nothing...I wanted to cry....but then a calm came over me....He really is right here I thought....She really is right here I thought of Grandma Cuckoo...I felt at ease and we left....my hands red and cold...tingling from trying to frantically rub ice from headstones....I thought to myself....no doubt he is right here....that was payback for I65....I know he is here with me ....I know all that I thought were lost are here with me!!! I am grateful....JC has a weird way about him....finally...please take a moment to think of those families from 50 years ago today....think of their loss......offer a quick prayer as I am sure it has already been reciprocated....peace!!!

gobble gobble gobble

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!! I was thinking of what to write and if there was something poignant to share. I will write and let you be the judge. I was listening on the radio the other day when people were talking about favorite holidays. Christmas was the main choice, Halloween a close second, and finally, today!! Thanksgiving....which is yours?? I started to ask myself that very question and while the choice was tough between 4th of July (Our great country's birthday) I decided that my favorite was, in fact, Thanksgiving. It is a true holiday, a day to relax and enjoy one another and maybe catch a nap while constantly grazing. What a better way to spend a day off!!! I mean it could only be better if we never had to get out of bed right?? So as for being thankful. Well not a day goes by that I am not thankful for waking up, smiling with my son, kissing my wife before heading to work...I am extremely grateful to have a job in these tough economic times and to have a job with great stability I might add. I have friends that I think are as grateful to have me as a friend as I am them. Thanksgiving to me is a holiday where it is about each other....the gifts we bring on this special day are ourselves, experiences, delicious dishes, and most importantly...love!!!! Happy Thanksgiving....speaking of delicious...I added a photo of the hammer for all to enjoy!!