overwhelmed....

While the holidays have come and gone (for the most part) the overwhelming feeling that is associated with them has not followed suit. Unfortunately I feel as if I am buried up to my neck. That doesn't mean I don't welcome it. You see, on the 16th we added a baby girl to our family. We will call her nails as her brother has the moniker of hammer. We have also had ridiculous amounts of snow and horribly cold weather that have left us no place to go (for the most part) but the four walls of our home. This can make things aggravating, tense, cozy, and funny at times. It is hard because everyone is tired here and Mrs Hammer and I are both a bit edgy. This is all to be expected. All this has delayed my writing as I pondered what was really readable and what I was really feeling. As for the holidays it was great watching hammer open gifts, even funnier watching him play with his toys, and sweet being home with wife, hammer and nails to really be able to celebrate our family. The stresses come with travel from place to place, my schedule not always allowing me to be home on the holidays themselves, my mother who doesn't express her feelings all that well(yeah, its hereditary.) The most difficult part of the holidays I found this year, is not letting the stresses outweigh the happiness. Nothing will ever be able to do that, and I know this!!! So why the hell is it so hard for me to put that into practice? Why do I let myself and mood be altered by things outside my control? Why do I think that people see my gifts as inferior if they don't cost a certain amount? I think partly because I am crazy!! No offense to those that think that is an insult...if you think it is an insult it is because you are really really fucking crazy....anyways..I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, and consider myself a holiday survivor and also wanted to let you know that, while exhausting, the holidays this year were my best ever. I couldn't have been luckier, or more humbled with all the love and support that I have received from family and friends...most importantly...from my wife...now I know that she thinks sometimes I write here for my audience...I can honestly say that these words to follow are the first time I have written here for someone. To my wife...you have strength, tenderness and love that I cannot measure. You inspire me with your determination!!! You make me melt every time I lay eyes on you (now more than ever!!)..you stand by me when I screw up....you pick me up and won't let me quit...you are a mother to be modeled after!!! You inspire me!!! These gifts I know that I can't pay back....The only gift I truly have that is mine to offer is my heart!!! I love you...

what is now has already been....

First things first, this may get a bit heavy and you may not want to read. I do, however, believe that you will be satisfied if you come along on my journey of reflection these last few days. Thankfully, I get to see Cris Angel this week!!! There will be some "God squad" portions to this, but by no means do I intend to preach. The title is taken from Ecclesiastes. Why don't we jump into the old Delorian and join Michael J. Fox in a trip back in time to this past Thursday. Thanksgiving!!! Woo hoo and what a day it was. We spent it with the in laws and had a fabulous feast. It was quite the family gathering sans drama. Perfect for my taste!! Mrs. Hammer's grandmother has been ill for a while now and was in grave condition coming into the holiday. Later that Thursday evening Mary Jane found it best to spend the rest of her eternal life with the angels she once walked with. Some we knew and others she was only privy to. We learned of her passing the following morning while grocery shopping. Yeah, so what, we went to the store the day after Thanksgiving!!! Don't you people know that there is nobody at the grocery store on that day, because the are all busy trying to trample people at walmart...sorry for getting off the subject. We came home and Mrs. Hammer talked to her mom, and had a moment herself. While this is something we knew was for the best, the finality of it is still quite difficult.
That same Friday afternoon was a full page spread in the newspaper about a 50 year anniversary of the Our Lady of the Angels fire. Having read a book on the matter and also being in fire service it is something that I have always had an inkling for. In the article was mention of a memorial mass on the upcoming Sunday. I thought it would be the appropriate event for me to attend. It would be a long day, as Grandma Cuckoo's wake was that day as well. The day would somehow seem much shorter when it was all over.
I walked into the doors of the church. After finding street parking due to the large attendance. After taking in the large amounts of people (I don't do to well in crowds.) I found a familiar face from my high school. He is a teacher there and the man I feel is the eyes and ears of the institution. We visited for a short while and went our separate ways. I found a nice little spot in the corner near the confessional (chuckle.) The were people everywhere, and folding chairs were being set up to accommodate the hundred or so that could not fit into the pews. With a few minutes to spare, this above mentioned teacher found me and asked me if I would like to sit upstairs. He took me up and told me that I would be able to save myself if something happened. There I was, sitting in church in the balcony...ALL ALONE. Wow!! Never have I felt so alone, yet comforted. It was really weird. I started to think about why I was there, what I was there for, what I was hoping to get out of this experience. The first question....I have no idea, the second, it just felt like the place I needed to be. The third....well continue reading...So moments before the mass started, I began to sit alone and think about what was coming up. I was about to join in a celebration of 92 lost children and 3 lost nuns, I had the funeral services of Grandma Cuckoo coming up the next couple days, and the day after that was the anniversary of the passing of the man whom I looked to as a father. Holy shit!!! I really wanted to take all this on in this coming week...I sat and thought about all of this and decided that being alone was probably best for all. I mean what if I began to sob during a mass celebrating something that happened 50 years ago...in dress blues to boot...yeah...big man!!
My focus for the mass was to not be distracted and to really try to listen...and did...hence the title..The bishop pointed that out, and that how things have already been how they are, we just fail to notice it. Yeah sure, what the fuck does that mean....well I thought and thought..my conclusion....we don't really need the physical sense as much as we do the time spent with someone. Regardless of how short that time was. Let me explain...We often think of how someone would do something, or what someone would say, what advice they would give, and even think of what they would do in a situation...(you know, like stick a pencil in his ear..) Well it started to makes sense..and this was the first lump in the throat...The loved ones that have passed really haven't left. Now I know you are all probably saying.."sure..this guy has no clue.." Please hear me out...even if we met someone for a second, and that person had our attention..they made an impression...if we never see that person again we still have that impression....it is kind of like the stained glass for the dedicated readers...(after this long winded post...I will be luck to have any readers left....) The point I am trying to make is that just because people are not here with us doesn't mean that what they truly are to us is gone. We get to the homily of this mass and the bishop also says.."how can we give thanks to the Lord even through our pain.?" Wow!!! I had no clue...well that was answered today at the funeral mass for grandma cuckoo....during the homily the priest spoke of the grieving process and how the Lord would be there for us to comfort us in our time of need. Well who better than to give some thanks to for that than JC himself!!! You know what I mean..we all have felt alone, and wondered why this has to happen to us....well we continue to work through it and some how survive...I can't take that much credit for my own perseverance. I mean, the hammer, my wife and friends..while I may have something to do with that, JC has much more to do with it than me. Really some deep thought for a guy that isn't too much of a church guy!!! Up to present. We had the most wonderful funeral mass and proceeded to the cemetery. I noticed on the holy card that it was a cemetery I was familiar with....It was in fact the same place that the hammer's papa Terry was laid to rest. Today was a long hard day...the snow and traffic took it's toll. We searched for papa terry but the snow made it futile....I walked along rubbing of headstones only to have more ice than snow covering them and making it almost impossible to read them....I made a couple laps around the "n"...told Mrs. Hammer "he is right here...." Still nothing....I grew more desperate...yet nothing...I wanted to cry....but then a calm came over me....He really is right here I thought....She really is right here I thought of Grandma Cuckoo...I felt at ease and we left....my hands red and cold...tingling from trying to frantically rub ice from headstones....I thought to myself....no doubt he is right here....that was payback for I65....I know he is here with me ....I know all that I thought were lost are here with me!!! I am grateful....JC has a weird way about him....finally...please take a moment to think of those families from 50 years ago today....think of their loss......offer a quick prayer as I am sure it has already been reciprocated....peace!!!

gobble gobble gobble

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!! I was thinking of what to write and if there was something poignant to share. I will write and let you be the judge. I was listening on the radio the other day when people were talking about favorite holidays. Christmas was the main choice, Halloween a close second, and finally, today!! Thanksgiving....which is yours?? I started to ask myself that very question and while the choice was tough between 4th of July (Our great country's birthday) I decided that my favorite was, in fact, Thanksgiving. It is a true holiday, a day to relax and enjoy one another and maybe catch a nap while constantly grazing. What a better way to spend a day off!!! I mean it could only be better if we never had to get out of bed right?? So as for being thankful. Well not a day goes by that I am not thankful for waking up, smiling with my son, kissing my wife before heading to work...I am extremely grateful to have a job in these tough economic times and to have a job with great stability I might add. I have friends that I think are as grateful to have me as a friend as I am them. Thanksgiving to me is a holiday where it is about each other....the gifts we bring on this special day are ourselves, experiences, delicious dishes, and most importantly...love!!!! Happy Thanksgiving....speaking of delicious...I added a photo of the hammer for all to enjoy!!

the blur...

I figured I would start with those photos as they are kind of a snapshot of the weekend that we had!!! I would really have to say that it was either nonstop laughter and giggling or all out rem sleep...I am talking multiple rem cycles too....on to the blur....earlier today I was informed that the due date for "nails" hammer's sibling was moved up a week...I started to wonder about how we were going to handle this major change in our lives and then began to think more about my wife...
Often times I am tired, depressed, and not all that satisfied with myself. I start to have a pity party and then begin to think of all those who have a much greater struggle than I do. Mrs. Hammer has had difficulty sleeping for months, yet she continues to get up and go to school to teach. She has a bad back and hands and wrists that throb from carpal tunnel syndrome. I have it rough?? please!!! She is always on the go and when she crashes she crashes!!! I do wish she was able to crash a little easier as she is entitled to about a week long slumber. Just think of how good it would feel to be able to go to sleep and wake up a week later?? The thought of it has me tingling..Obviously in this fantasy you wouldn't even have to go potty!!! How fantastic. I just thought I should tell my wife how proud I am of her. How I recognize her strength and often times look at her with awe. I know there is no chance I could accomplish the things she does today. I know I never open up enough to share these feelings but someday I will convey it with actions. Until now just words on a screen. So, to my wife, keep on plugging along, I know it is difficult for you and you try not to complain. Sometimes though it is best if you do. You have accomplished so much and there is no reason for you to have to shoulder our family load!!!! Kick your feet up and relax a little more...we are at the home stretch and the organized chaos that we had with the above pictured will be resuming with his sibling!!! We will survive together...I want to be the person you can lean on...much like you have been for me...thanks and love ya!!!

ring ring ring ring ring ring ring....God Bless you...

As I walked to see the mind freak the other day along the magnificent mile, I couldn't help but notice the constant ringing, the cherry pickers elevated in the street with the elves wrapping the trees with lights. Everyone was getting ready for the big weekend (Mickey Mouse lights the mile this weekend.) I made my way across the river and while waiting for the light to change (I do that on occasion) I couldn't help but think of taking the same walk with my wife and son a few weeks ago. I showed her where Cris Angel's office is and enjoyed a wonderful morning. This particular day, I started laughing out loud thinking of something that happened that particular weekend. It has happened to all of us, we think of something really funny that makes us giggle aloud. People probably looked, but I could care less!!! I just kept hearing "Bad news for Washington, Bad news for Washington, India makes great progress in their space program, bad news for Washington, bad news for Washington." You get my drift. Mrs. Hammer and I stood there a few weeks ago and waited with this woman who kept repeating herself over and over..some thought she was on a phone or listening to the radio....but not I!!!! She was cacacacacacrazzy!!!! I know it's not p.c. but neither am I. Anyways, I made my way to the office, had a wonderful visit and returned North on Michigan. The elves still working and the bells still ringing!!! I felt like my senses were heightened and that was probably due to my great visit. I started to think about the holidays, Christmas for that matter, and how the purpose of Christmas differs for everyone. For me it has always been about giving. Finding the perfect gift for the particular person on your list and anxiously awaiting that person's reaction. I have always prided myself on good taste and unique choices. Smiles have always been my gift. Seeing faces of those opening gifts that I have bought, made, or even written has been the gift for me. People sometimes tell me how hard I am to buy for. Well I wish everyone would believe me when I say there isn't anything that I want. What I want can't be bought. I want to continue to work on myself. I want to earn trusts I have broken. I want to laugh, smile, and break bread with my family and friends over the next few weeks. You see, things that I want cannot be bought. The gifts that I get every year continue to keep me going every day!!! People have given me many gifts in my life, none compare to the gift of love and support that I get from on person in particular. Why all this blabbing and how does the title fit you ask?? Well the Salvation Army bell ringers make me think of how truly fortunate that I am not to be alone. The elves lining the tries with lights. Well to some those lights are bright and tinkly, yet they don't see much beyond their physical state. For me, those lights are wishes for people like the ones we walk next to, yet somehow think they have more or sometimes less than us. Those wishes are no different than mine or yours for that matter. A wish is that!! Who makes it is what is important, not what the wish is. We all have different opinions of what we want for the holidays, just because we differ doesn't make one better than the other. My wish has come true...and continues to..for those who are still wondering just what to wish for, the only thing I offer is this. When trying to make sure you have just the right wish, make sure that you remember that all those lights are other people's wishes...not the glitz that they appear to be....look closely around your inner circle and may all your wishes come true!!!!

On a lighter note, the hammer has made his wish for Elmo!!! At least I think that is his wish, as he says everything is Elmo!!! Doesn't matter what you point at, it's Elmo. The tv starts to hum, it's Elmo, you pick up a book, it's Elmo...I don't care what the hell it is, it's Elmo!! One thing I tell you, it's fucking hilarious and cute!!!

Win one for the gipper....

So it just dawned on me that the it has been a while since I have written. I was driving to the fire academy today (waste of time) to pick up some papers for tuition reimbursement. The waste of time part comes in when the ONLY person who knows anything about tuition reimbursement is off. Go figure. She ain't no dummy (actually she is) she isn't going to tell anyone else a thing about tuition reimbursement. No chance she will let someone take her defining title of commander (means "do nothing" in English) away from her. So now I sit at school waiting for my advising appointment. Speaking of stupid (I step forward.) Maybe I forgot how to tell time, but I took an appointment for 12:20 thinking it was five til' noon. Yeah, not to bright huh, five to eleven looks a little different. Fortunately, I have gone through the class schedule, well sort of, you see they don't have complete copies, only partial ones that have been printed on xerox machines. Naturally what I need are the pages some miscreant deemed expendable. Thanks idiot!!! So now I have to try to avoid telling the advisor that I am trying to accomplish the unthinkable task of graduating while taking the fewest number of hours actually in the classroom. You see, I kinda dig this online class thingy. It works for me and the family, and in the end that's what it's about.

As for the title, you can google it and see where it came from. But here goes, I have always had a weakspot in my heart for the underdog (mainly those that were picked on growing up and still to this day.) I never wanted to see people humiliated because they were different or weren't into the same things I was. This has had me at odds with others in the past, but those who know me also know that being surrounded by a bunch of phonies has never been a priority of mine. I started to figure out why it is that I refuse to tolerate such behavior. I have reflected and discovered that it is because I am one that has been picked on for many years (no pity parties.) I am a degenerate gambler that is working on his recovery and has come to realize that I am prey in some people's eyes. I am weak and they pick and pick and pick until there is nothing else til the next weakling comes along. So this recognition makes me grateful for the few friends that I have. I say few meaning 10 or so. I have many acquiantances but few that I find to be my true friends. To me, that number around 10 makes me lucky. Very lucky, many people go through live looking for one or two!! These last few weeks have been tough, but I can feel myself getting stronger. I have such stronger "bones" (friends and family), I have a good head on my shoulders with a heart of gold. I feel like that guy in that "AXE" commercial where he sprays himself and all of the sudden you see his shell begin to crack. This is a warning to those that prey on people for their weaknesses. The hammer sometimes has a bit of trouble with his cousin. He isn't being picked on, in my opinion, his cousin just doesn't know any better. I will do my thing with the Hammer and not worry about those around him. Not my business. I am not going to bully someone into doing what is right. One day the Hammer will strike back (thats what happens for those of you that don't pee standing up.) I will discipline the hammer as Mrs Hammer and I see fit. But deep down, not for him to see, I will be proud of him for doing what is right, and not letting people take advantage of him!! Great weekend to all...adios...

ps I will let you know how this advising sessions goes, but something tells me there may be a language barrier. This could be funny!!!

The molds that shape us....

So I sit here this evening very tired. I wrote a paper that I should get a poor grade on but probably won't because I don't think they are ever read. I have a wife sleeping upstairs who feels bad that she has trouble staying awake. Lest we not forget she hardly sleeps soundly at night, and that she has to be around 24 or so kids for a school day and finally come home to take care of the hammer and me. I worked at the golf course today, enjoying one of the last beautiful fall days that I believe we will have this season, yet something has pulled me here to write. We are expecting another child soon and have yet to agree on names. The first was easy, we had a really special friend named hammer and it stuck. Just kidding. We decided that we wanted our names to have significance to us. So we named Terry after the man who served as a father to me, and after Mrs. Hammer's father. That brings me to the mold.
You see, we encounter people in our lives that we are reflections of. We are all these walking collages of stained glass. Some pieces of glass are bigger than others, but we are made up of so many. As the sun shines through the colors are reflected and people see just who it is that we are. Terry was the world to me. He challenged me, listened to me, respected me, and made me feel I could be myself. He worked so hard and somehow was available for me. Sometimes I had to force myself on to the schedule by having impromptu visits to the desk of district. Only to be looked at a little cross eyed by whomever asked me my reason for being there, and then I was usually greeted with, "you can send the little pollock in." It was quite endearing. I can remember one time when he wasn't in the best of health and he was doing a favor for my cousin (who is now in the same line of work) by allowing himself to be a reference for him. He had me come up to his room, as getting around had gotten difficult for him, and went to his desk. He took out a pen and put on his glasses, signed his name and then went to review what he had written and just signed. He told me "now when you get promoted, this is your first lesson. Always make sure you double check your work and make sure that nobody is left out to dry." I never really thought of it much until my short time on the job slowly began to grow. He was right. It is important to stick together and not sweat the little stuff. Important for those who work with you and for you to know that you respect them. It is crucial to know that you would walk them through the steps to prevent any harm being done to them. While all of these kind words are true I also want to make it clear that he, like the rest of us, had his faults. But those are blurred to me by his acts of kindness. Where is this going ...I know...blah blah blah..anyways...this leads me to the next piece of glass...
I always tend to bump into people who worked with and for Terry and the all say the same thing. "Great boss, would do anything for you." I thought about those words and wondered. When you talk about a boss, shouldn't it be the other way around. "You would do anything for your boss." Well you are correct. Not to get mathematical on you, but the reciprocal applies as well.
After transferring from my first firehouse to the firehouse I am currently at, people who knew where I was transferring began to echo similar sentiments about the man I would be working for. Little did I know that words could not do him justice. I always wondered what it would be like to work for Terry (if I had been a cop.) Finally, I got my chance. I got to work for a guy who had a slouched walk, a bit of a slur, and just had the look of a salty dog fireman. He spoke to you, not at you. He listened to you and did his best to help you understand why things were the way they were. He spoke the truth, never delivering the company line. This guy would take an interest in what you were doing off the job, making sure that everything was okay and that you were there for those you were working with. He would play golf with the guys in his battalion, spend weekends with the guys, have some drinks with the guys, and always be offering lessons with his actions, not with his words. He believed in treating men like men, not babysitting, and not sugar coating. You know what, he was right. He never had to ask for attention, it was always granted. He never needed someone to turn the tv down when he was talking, it was done when he arrived. He just had a presence about him, you wanted to be around him in the hopes to soak up the knowledge that overflowed from him. I think about this piece of glass that I will now reflect as he has worked his last day and since retired. I know Mrs. Sledge would never approve a name like Porter, but I do know this, it may be a nickname because there is only one other guy that has had a similar impact on me. Sorry for being so long winded. I know this is a lot of bunk for those who are looking for something a little more lighthearted, I will try next time. Attached is the article written about Porter. If you are careful and look past the fire department employer, you may see similarities in someone you know, knew, or hopefully get to know. It makes going to work easy, fun, and most importantly a learning experience.
http://www.suntimes.com/news/steinberg/1260006,CST-NWS-stein05.article

Halloween.

What can I say, what a weekend. A football game, costume parade, out to dinner twice, out at the neighbors till 3 am one night, endless laughter, and absolute exhaustion. Some pictures to hold you over until I can write more. Enjoy

Of course they are real.....wanna touch

You saw the title and thought I was talking about a pair of store bought, inflated, crooked, way too big, and gaudy .....hah!!! Gotcha. With that I say happy halloween!!! These pumpkins are my first in really carving. They were fun and challenging. I think they turned out great. Hell at least you can tell what they are!! Anyways, the attempt to try something I wasn't really skilled in was fun. It was uncharted waters for me. I try to stay close to the vest when it comes to things like that. Not really wanting to put myself out there. As you can see the hammer got a kick out of the pumpkins too. Mama hammer giggled with us as he put his hand inside and felt all the good parts of a pumpkin. It feels so good to laugh again!!! To be able to share the joy my son has in watching all these new things going on around him. Tomorrow we get to go to a halloween party at Mama hammer's school!!! Costumes are a surprise and I will post pictures of them here as well. Scary to say it as the holidays roll around but I'm starting to feel like I am a contributor to my family. Not just the one taking. I feel like those around me are starting to feel my energy and that is helping all of us!!! There is one sound that will remain with me forever. That is the sound of the hammer laughing. He is a trip. Running around after his bath, enjoying naked time and laughing as he runs from his room to our room and back again hiding each time. Out of breath, giggling, smiling, with his nascar hair!!! not even going the mullet route..."O Thor the mighty god of thunder" Yup right from Adventures in Babysitting. He is the man don't mess with him or he will squash your face with a badminton racket
, I have seen it done before. Anyways, enjoy and have a Happy Halloween!!!!

pictures from the second adventure...

Some more pictures to share here...from the second adventure...please read the previous post...Mrs. Hammer will not be happy with these snapshots, but isn't she dreamy!!

breath of fresh air!!!!

So the last few posts have sounded a bit desperate and dark. I finally feel a bit more at ease and comfortable. Things have been moving at a much more controlled pace for me and i have noticed less anxiety with my day to day activities. These last two weekends have been lots of fun!! Last weekend we went to the garden center to pick out a pumpkin. We have yet to make it into a jack o' lantern, but later this week. Tough for me to justify feeding the squirrels too early and I have yet to come up with a good idea of what to carve!! If you would have asked me a few weeks ago it would have surely been an angry face. I think this time it will be smiley, almost clown like! Hey, clowns can be creepy. Speaking of clowns...a wise man once said with a clown leaves the circus its not the circus he misses....its the other clowns...what a guy!!! Anyways, the garden center...attached are a few photos from that adventure.....moving on to this weekend..Saturday was gloomy and chilly with a bit of mist in the air!!! Football weather, if you will...what do we do??? Let's go on an adventure downtown!!! Park the car take the stroller out and take the hammer for a nice long walk. We made it al the way to Millennium Park and did the tourist thing. Took in the bean and other sights. For me it went beyond that. I got to take in the sights that I have been missing for so long. The sights that I don't need to drive to a special location to see. The sights that come free of charge. The sights that give me goosebumps much like the skyline does when I return from a road trip. My family!!! How great it was to smile, laugh, love, and share. Really being able to share is something that I'm sure they have been missing too!!! Wow how lucky I am...It's really weird. Us city dwellers that spend our whole lives in this town sometimes fail to realize just how prized and special it is. Attached are a couple more photos from this adventure as well. The highlight was our return trip to the car Northbound on Michigan Avenue and the hammer had freed himself from his shoulder harness and was only buckled in by his waist strap. He stood up, much like leo dicaprio in Titanic, and for the last few blocks had his arms out, was smiling and putting on a show for everyone looking at him. He was a true star!!! I am surrounded by stars!!! How lucky we truly are when we take time to breathe the fresh air!!!!

the work in progress.....

much like the dog costume that is being assembled for the hammer, I too am a work in progress. With any major project the exterior is the first to be noticed, but it is the infrastructure that takes time. So things are moving forward here. Lines of communication are being opened I am breathing easier and laughing with sincerity. Feels good to be a bit lighter. Speaking of lighter. I have little boy here that just is non stop entertainment. From being like a talking doll to being a trapeze artist, he never ceases to amaze. We are like frick and frack when we go out. I like to walk hand and hand with him, as he is a bit too heavy for me at times. Just an absolute riot!!!! Went to get pumpkins last week as a family, and that was a feeling I would love to bottle up and eat for breakfast everyday. Went with my wife to a wonderful open house on Saturday night only to be amused by laughter so loud you would have rather driven a sharpened pencil through your eardrum. Good food, cold beer, great company and a beautiful house!! What a night. On vacation now and will try to write more...going to try to be a better man each day while on this vacation. I owe it to so many people and want to thank everyone for their faith and support!! Ya'll are going to be impressed....a quote that will make some chuckle and give a peek into my twisted sense of humor...this was heard at the party on Saturday..."you know, I don't think he is retarded...just a little slow" it is even funnier when my wife says it!!! adios...

being right...

So today I made an appointment with my physician. I have a sinus infection. Whoa is me. Whatever. My wife and my mother both told me to make an appointment over a week ago. The stubborn one here decided he would fight through the nagging congestion, lack of sleep and teary eyes. I never claimed to be the smartest. Anyways...this brings me to the being right thing. I don't know what it is about me that has always had this obsession with being right. I know, looking back, that it definitely plays a role in my obsession with wagering. So I began to ponder what is so wrong with not being right. For me it is control. I feel that, when I am wrong, I have somehow not prepared to be right and this inadequacy is not very becoming. I also think it has to do with me not thinking the best of myself at all times....another character flaw I am working on. Bear with me here folks. What I am starting to notice is that in order to grow as a person I must let go of my obsession with being right. It is being wrong that creates learning. Being wrong would allow others (my wife especially) to know that I truly trust them. Much like a "trust fall." Ya know what I mean. My obsession with being able to handicap games and make wagers that win or lose would make me feel even emptier inside. There is so much about these people that wants me to make them feel this trust that I have in them. Wanting them to know what it means to have support....to have them know I do enjoy the giving that is provided for me. This is something that I will never get from winning a big game, yet I consistently attempt to do so. For the record this is getting bit deeper than I originally intended (everyone that reads please send me a billing statement for this session and I will cut you all checks...hee hee.) After reading what I have written it goes beyond being right. It falls on my shoulders to be comfortable to be who I am and trust who I have around me...and that those around me want to see me grow and be free of this albatross. This is heavy enough...on a lighter side...at work yesterday taxpayers will be happy to know that the same guy was picked up and taken to the hospital at 3 different times on the taxpayers dime!!

exposed...

Well it seems there are a few people with no lives that have found this blog interesting to read. To you few, I raise a glass...CHEERS..I guess the reason that I don't write as much as I should is because I am always waiting for something super insightful or something that is worth reading. After sitting here, though, it dawned on me that sometimes what is worth reading may not be what I need to be writing. I need to write for me, which is what I have done in previous posts and what I will continue to do. Anyways, one thing that has been on my mind is the truth. The difficulty I have with the truth is not wanting to disappoint. I think that there have been times where I haven't lied, yet may not have told the whole truth so as not to disappoint others. This is something that, after thinking about, helped me realize why sometimes it is hard for me to reflect. This honesty is the most humbling of all when we are completely true to ourselves. I have great family, I mean great great family, so supportive, loving, forgiving, understanding, and most importantly honest. Yet at times I am not this fair in return. It saddens me to think about this. My friends are the same way. 95% of the time I give exactly who I am to my friends and family. I am striving for perfection. Sometimes not being comfortable in my own skin is what drives me to do thing things I shouldn't be doing and winds up making up that 5%. I know, I know, when evaluating choices, if it is something that I wouldn't want everyone to know about then I shouldn't do it. Easier said than done. I need to keep working on reprogramming my mind. I have to get through my thick skull that I am who I am and that all that I am, I am popeye the sailor man. Truly, I don't need to be anyone else. I don't have to keep up with anyone else. I want nobody other than my wife. She is the best!!! That's where I find it hardest with the honesty sometimes...Just that I feel like I have disappointed here too many times and will never be able to be at ease with how I have made her feel. The reason I beat myself up so much about this is because she has never done anything to make me feel like I cannot be who I am around her. Not looking for a pity party, just venting. Just have to keep at it. I know in one of my earlier posts I talked about being funny. Really funny shit here huh...such a downer....this is worse than a country song...funny things that have gone on lately...I will pose it as a question...do you think it is wrong to cook for four other men in a kitchen wearing just flip flops and a robe??? ps the kitchen is at work, not at home...makes me laugh everytime I think of the story...I will try to write more...try to be a bit more off the cuff and less premeditated...but I am sort of OCD like that...adios....

the title

I thought it would be a pretty good idea to shed some light on the title of my blog. The meaning is quite simple. This is for people who felt they had nothing else, the end was near, yet somehow found reason to keep plugging away. It is for people to know they aren't alone, and recognize just how much would be left. We wake up and realize just how the day after what we felt was our last really feels. People become a little more aware as things don't quite both us so much. Not much else to offer today. I am home with my son today and having a blast. Today I consider myself to be Lou Gehrig!!! Yippee!!!

Josh Waitzkin

As I sat and watched one of my favorite movies, the thought of reflection became more apparent. In order to grow people need to do things for themselves. For years I have done things out of spite. Ugh, is that tiring. While watching today, I started to realize what it was that I needed to really start working on. People give and take from one another everyday. It is what we take that is more important than what we give. I know it sounds selfish, but let me explain. By taking, we are listening, reasoning and while maybe not agreeing with also respecting others opinions, ideas, and actions. It is how we take what we observe and experience from others that starts to shape us. We are all little reflections of people we have met. The reflection is something that we want others to take from us. Paying it forward in a way. Our reflection is determined by our open mindedness as well as our personalities. The hardest part of this is recognizing our reflection and changing what we don't like about it. That part can be quite humbling!! Weird that I can come up with something like that while catching the end of a movie and giving the hammer a bottle for a nap he would refuse to take!!! Thanks again~~ while I have you though, my gripe...how does school start and a bookstore not have a book. Secondly, how do they justify charging what they do for books. Online I found a book 70 dollars cheaper, seriously, and we worry about people gas gouging. Hello!!! I have figured out why students are broke. It is not credit cards, binge drinking, or being wasteful. It is money wasted on a new edition, which should really read, "edited edition." Because we all know they just fixed a typo!!!!

Accountability

Well as you can see, it has been some time since I have posted. I think it is safe to assume, I have not been living up to the goals that I have. That being said, I wouldn't call this summer a total loss. I have, in my opinion, done a great job spending time with my wife and son, enjoying the summer and each other's company. While I have slipped on my long road, my support system has me working toward growth as more of a complete person. School is beginning and I am taking one class this semester. I also will be studying for a promotional exam in the not so distant future, so this too will keep me busy. A friend of mine writes here as well and she has mentioned talk of censoring herself. Let me be the first to tell you that I will not apologize for my opinions, as they are mine, I will not be offended if you are offended, and to be quite honest, would be more offended, if I didn't offend some. That would really worry me. Anyways, I know I have few readers and that will change. Nobody here really knows about me. In order for me to grow, I must hold myself more accountable and be honest to myself before I can move forward. The next few months will be spent hard at work. Hopefully my OCD will allow me to delve into my work as much as I have been into numbers. It is funny to think about how much wasted energy I have spent in my life being distracted by numbers. It is time for me to be distracted by numbers that matter....here are just a few....1092004, 2201974,6132007,12022003....those are numbers that are the ones I should be focusing on....not all of them listed...just a few...anyone solving the puzzle wins a prize...a coaster with a donkey on it (they belong to my wife...i have deemed them expendable)...adios...and hopefully soon I will have something a bit more interesting and less cryptic for you to read

just your typical day

Well here goes, entry #2. So far I haven't found many things very witty or funny, but I will continue to try. This is an entry about accountability. Often times people do things and look to blame others. When in fact the blame is standing in the mirror. It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion and unfortunately there has been some carnage along the way. I do believe that this can be repaired and that I (like the rest of us) are works in progress. While we have our accomplishments to rest upon, it is what we are currently doing that makes others better. So a bit about me. I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world. She exhibits strength, forgiveness, wisdom, humor (some say more than me..but c'mon), great looks, a great mother, and gives her love more than one could hope for. I often wonder why others play the lottery, when I in fact have won it. I have a wonderful son. We'll call him the hammer. He is so full of life and happiness and has spoiled us rotten. I know it should be the reverse. He is super easy going, very cute, and quite the riot in our home. Finally my family and friends. I put this group together, because while I may not have a ridiculous number of friends, the ones I do have are like my family. There will be more on them later. The direction of this blog is still unclear. I hope to take people on adventures, make them laugh, and also take strength from them to continue to fight the battle I fight every day. You see, I am a recovering compulsive gambler. I have started to figure out exactly where some of my pitfalls lay. I have also started working towards avoiding them. I hope to use this blog to hold myself much more accountable as well as get myself into shape and share the wonderful stories along the way. I thank those who have read and have to admit, it is much more difficult to be funny when you are on the spot. I can assure you that after work tomorrow ( I have to go to diversity training and all I can think of is The Office and Rescue Me)...trust me, something funny must come from this....also I plan on getting myself back into shape...should be quite the feat..but it is a challenge I welcome. I look forward to this challenge because it will mark my first attempt at really doing something for myself and not out of spite. I need this for my family!!! I need this for myself!!! I will keep working on this and hopefully people will not get too bored with my self absorption.

Just beginning

This is my first ever blog entry. I have a friend who blogs here and has suggested some people might find what I have to say funny. I will give it a shot. There are other things that will come out in time that may not be so funny. In time my story will come out and hopefully through this keyboard and my family and friends I will find a bit of welcomed sanity and happiness!!! As for funny, I will just leave a little note. Watching people trip. Think about it we have all seen someone do it, seen them look around, and try to play it off. I spent a night once in a beer garden with some friends watching people trip over the same crack in the curb. Fortunately nobody was injured (if that happened we for sure would have added days to purgatory, although it may have been even funnier.)